Jack Bauer is a pussy

Good tidings one and all, your saviour has returned from the other side of hell, with only mental and physical scars to prove he ever went away!

I shan't bore/sicken you with a blow-by-blow account of the days in hospital, as for very.....very long periods of time stuck in a bed, unable to move, and so the only entertainment I had was to watch people walk past, or stare at a wall/floor/curtain, however in a weird way I quite enjoyed it!

But anyway, I digress, we shall start where I finished last time, last Thursday, where I had to pop over to the hospital to have a pre-assessment. This involved me having blood taken, getting weighed and measured (to determine how much anaesthetic I needed), then having to fill out endless amounts of paperwork about past medical history etc.

Friday, and after getting into hospital and settling into some very fetching anti-embolism socks, which are like flight socks, but go right up to the tops of your legs and don't allow any air, or indeed anything to get to your legs, which is annoying and itchy until you lose all feeling in your legs! As I wasn't allowed any food for 24 hours before the operation, I was pretty much starving by the time the operation time came along at 1pm on the saturday, so I was quite grateful to be called in by the theatre team, even though I was actually called in twice as they got me confused with a 70 year old in the next ward!

This is where it all gets a little bit strange, because as I entered the theatre area, half-blind as they asked me to take off my glasses before I walked down with one of the team, and hopped onto the operating table outside theatre. After a bit of a chin-wag with the anaesthetist and various members of the team about the merits of healthcare reform and whether smokers and clinically obese people should pay for hospital treatment (seriously), we could hear the rest of the team in the theatre, washing everything down, ready for me to come in next, listening to the stereo. So, as the anaesthetist kocked me out with enough drugs to incapacitate a small elephant, the last thing I heard is the whole theatre team singing at the top of their voice, 'Livin' on a Prayer' by the legendary Bon Jovi!

I kid you not!

I woke up after around 5 hours in the land of nod, with my mom and aunt sitting next to me, which was nice. Unfortunately, as the anaesthetic was still taking effect, I was about as alert as a dead hedgehog, so all I managed were a few groans before I went back to sleep for a few minutes, possibly due to the added effect of the oxygen mask. After a sarnie at about 10pm, I had a fairly good nights sleep, after doing the dreaded 'whats under the sheet' trick, which wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, as there was so much padding down there, I actually thought they had started to mummify me! I couldn't feel my cheek, but knew there was alot of stitching along the inside of my mouth.

Sunday was spent in a dreamy state, which is never a bad thing, the highlight of which was listening to Villa beat the Baggies in the afternoon. I also spent alot of time working out what was actually 'in' me, and apart from the catheter, there was a pipe that went from my crotch into a bottle on the other side of my bed, collecting some blood, which is very good until you realise that at some point, that pipe has to come out, which will hurt.....alot......but more of that later. My consultant who performed the surgery came to see me on sunday, and said that he'd never had such good surgery on someone, and that I was a pleasure to work on, as I have wonderful tissue, which is probably the best compliment I've ever had! He also said that he'd be amazed if he ever saw me again, as he is almost certain he has fixed the problem, which is really good news.

Monday, and I was feeling alot better, although that had something to do with the fact that I was taking so much paracetamol that I thought I would start rattling if I ever got out of bed! My days were now spent staring into thin air, or watching people walk from one end of the ward to the other, which took 12 seconds (yes, you do start to time these things after a while!). You may be wondering why on earth I didn't have a TV/Radio to pass the time. The truth is that not only did I have my own radio, and book, and mobile phone, which you can now use in these sparkling new shiny hospitals, but after a while, you get tired of entertaining yourself, and so you start either napping during the day, or just watching nothing inparticular, which after a few days, starts to drive you completely mad, especially if you can't move around at all!

**THIS IS WHERE IT GETS A BIT BLOODY, SO SCROLL IF YOU ARE SQUEAMISH!**

Monday also saw the removal of the 'Blood Line' as the nurses called it. Now, this is a tube that is inserted along the stitch line to remove any excess blood that was collected because of the surgery. Now, having pulled at it a little bit, it was fairly clear that it was attached to something horrible and non-moveable, possibly an internal organ, or my spine. Either way, I knew it was going to hurt!

Fortunately, the two nurses that did the dreaded deed, were really nice, although I may have scared the bejesus out of the student nurse that pulled the line out! First, as the pipe was stitched to my padding, she cut that away, which should have left it really easy for her to gently pull it out, and everyone would be happy. Unfortunately, as she began to slowly pull it out, we all realised that because it ran along the stitch line, they obviously put the stitches in after the line went in, which meant that the pipe had become caught in 3 stitches. Yes, 3 stitches!

This meant that it was going to have to be yanked out, which would hurt more than I ever imagine, especially after the second time of trying to pull it out, which loosened my sense of reality, but not alot else!

This is where I decided to act, this bad boy was coming out, whether it wanted to or not, so seeing the student nurse not especially happy with the fact that she was going to hurt me alot (she kept apologising, bless her!), I decided to help her out, so I said to her that we'd both do it on the count of three. I had somehow managed to detach my brain from all sensation of pain, as I knew it was going to hurt, so the surprise element had gone, so on '3', we both pulled as hard as we could.............

.........ping......

.....................ping.....

......................................SNAP

We pulled so hard that the nurse staggered backwards and I had to catch her, whilst at the same time, repressing the need to scream like a little girl! Weirdly, the pipe that was in me was a good 6 inches, which is blummin big, and as it came out, blood filled up the gap that remained, much in the same way as if you have a bucket of water with a cloth in it, then take out the cloth and watch the water drop back into the bucket, which was one of the oddest sensations ever!

I didn't need to be stitched up after that, as there was only a small cut to put the pipe in, and amazingly it healed up in a few days.

**YOU CAN READ AGAIN NOW, ICKY BIT OVER!**

Tuesday was my birthday, woohoo! I have had my birthday in some very strange places, from the House of Commons to most family occasions, but being stuck in a hospital bed all day, really wanting to go home, having just had fairly big surgery, probably took the top prize! Thankfully it was to be my last day, as I was coming home on Wednesday afternoon, but it didn't stop the day from dragging. I finished my book, listened to most songs on my mp3 player, and text most people in my phone book, so was pretty much ready to come home.

Wednesday morning was spent getting 3 bagfuls of various medcial bits and bobs for the foreseeable future, and having a tap fitted to my catheter, which I will need to have fitted to me until next friday, when I shall be released from its grips and set free to pee! Mom came and picked me up in the afternoon, and getting out felt like I'd been released from prison, fresh air never felt so good! And of course theres nothing quite like your own house to hide away in for the next 4 weeks off work (plus more because of the stitches, woohoo!). So now I'm back, just about to finish my course of antibiotics, safe in the knowledge that if a 24-style terror plot is exposed and I am caught and tortured for information by baddies, I can grin and bear it!

Well thats enough from me, I am currently regretting having a chocolate hob-nob, as the bits have gone into my stitches in my cheek, ow ow ow ow ow!

TTFN